Rainey Days Pass

       For the first time in my life I don’t know who I am.

      I am 29 years old and I have quit my job to be a SAHW and student. I went to the Dr. the other day and he asked so “what do you do” he had no idea what weight that question carried. For the first time I didn’t have an answer, I didn’t have a title to boast or confidence in an occupation. I stammered though the reply with I uh uh am , I uh stay at home. He cocked his head sideways glanced down at my ring finger and smiled.” Oh you have kids?” Uhg another question that was hard to answer. No kids… yet. I threw the yet in there because it made me feel less like a failure. Kids are not even a goal but somehow just being a SAHW isn’t enough. Society requires more but why?

      Why do I feel like being a wife isn’t enough that taking care of a home with no children is less valuable than being a 9-5 professional?

       I started working at 17. I eventually got my GED when I was 21 or 22. I worked hard as a waitress and a bank teller, Hostess, Receptionist and lastly a CNA. For 12 years my identity was closely knit to whatever profession I had at the time. Now I don’t know who I am. I’m 29 years old and I look in the mirror and I don’t know my own reflection. I’m a good 100 pounds overweight, I have no college degree, no income and absolutely no clue what to do with the rest of my life. Anxiety and depression not to mention a general sense of listlessness I no longer know how to go about my days.

 What am I now? Who am I now? What value do I have now?

       I was expressing this to my husband stating that I felt a little lost and didn’t know what to do next. He replied I want you to be happy just being my wife and not worry about what’s next. I mulled this over for half the night tossing and turning in bed. Just his wife. Just a wife. Not worrying about what’s next ? That in itself is a foreign concept my whole life has been moving on to the next thing. But now suddenly I have a huge opportunity to take a step back and evaluate who I am and where I am going. What if I majored in the wrong thing? What if it’s not what I am “meant” to do?

       This got me to thinking what does God say about life and purpose? I grew up in a religious household so terms like “purpose” and “calling” “Spiritual gifts” were all frequently used in my upbringing. But how did all of that apply to me? How was I supposed to know what to choose what was purpose and what was happenstance. God doesn’t exactly come down on a cloud or a burning bush anymore. This is what I found in my search for understanding of purpose and what to do with the life he gave me.

Ecclesiastes 12:13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter; fear God, and keep his commandments; for this is the whole duty of man.

Micah 6:8 He hath shewed thee . O man, what is good and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly , and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with they God?

1 Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do,do all to the glory of God.

1 John 2:6 He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.

Mark 16:15 And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

 (Just a few verses on this topic, I encourage you to research for more !)

      It’s not about what you do but rather how you do it. It doesn’t matter if you become a doctor or a fry cook the point is do you glorify God in what you do and how you move about your life. While it is a great feat to be Christ like and loving people somehow the world doesn’t seem so overwhelming. Coming to the conclusion that you can’t choose the wrong profession whether that is staying home or a high achieving executive. God don’t care about your degrees or titles he cares about how you care about him and others. So guess what it doesn’t matter which school you go to what job you leave or accept but rather the spirit you do it with.

If all you do today is get out of bed praise God for waking up , glorify him love and serve others, work to become more like him and sharing his word with others well congratulations you have fulfilled your purpose for the day.

Now I don’t claim to have this all figured out by any means. I still struggle with anxiety I still have to stop myself from fretting over what ifs and what next. But when I can remind myself that God sees me, God knows my efforts it helps me to take a deep breath and put things back into perspective. Life isn’t nearly as complicated as we like to make it.

Somehow I find comfort in the fact that it doesn’t matter who I am, it matters who HE is and he is an awesome God, a forgiving, loving, dependable God. He loves me and he loves you too.